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  “That's it you fucking bastard, I'm calling your Dad to come get you! Is that what you fucking want?”

  I hadn't thought out what that would have meant for me, but I was sure it was the best solution. I was losing my mind almost entirely, coming up to a late peak, this was obviously good acid – the best. Only someone with a good knowledge of the acid experience can understand what it feels like, and even then it's different every time. It's as if you are being reborn into the world, without an ego, and can't make even the simplest of associations with reality. I did not have his father's number, nor did I really want his father anywhere near my house. He would have surely burst in on some abusive rampage and kicked both of our asses until we begged for death. He was an angry drunk with three failures for children and a suicidal wife – and a meth addict mustache. He would report me to some form of law enforcement and I would be imprisoned on a frivolous drug charge or two – maybe even kidnapping and brainwashing.

  Zach was becoming increasingly aggressive and I couldn't handle it any longer. So I did what any self-respecting psychedelic junkie would do. I hid under my desk and called Gary.

  “goddamnit, Gary! You guys left me alone with a freak of nature! Get over here and help me, IM HIDING UNDER MY FUCKING DESK RIGHT NOW! HE'S GOING TO RAPE ME!”

  I heard him tell Daniel, and Daniel's reluctant acquiescence, and he assured me he'd return to get me.

  Reality had become a game for me at this point – slipping from a serious situation into one that could be easily manipulated if I only used the right strategies. I believed that since Zach was such a ladykiller, he was somehow king of the world. He could get any girl he wanted and I got whatever was left over. Perhaps I had snapped his mind on purpose, as a way to get him out of the way, so I could usurp his position as leader of the sexy world, I wondered. I was proud that I had made him go loopy and he was about to be put away forever, a fiendish smirk emerged across my face. Brains over brawn, naturally. Everyone will love me instead of him after he is disposed of, because I am so much better at handling myself in madness. All I have to do now is get rid of any evidence of him. Soon my special army is going to arrive and rescue me, and then worship me as their new leader. I just had to survive long enough for them to get there. I heard my front door open. I did not look out to see what was happening, but in my head a giant white creature swooped in from the sky with a police helmet and huge aviator sunglasses. The look motorcycle cops are most commonly depicted as having. I heard lots of commotion and then a sound of something lightly hitting the floor. Then, silence. Something ugly had happened. The gods were in a stir.

  I inched out from underneath the desk to find Zach's clothes in a pile on his shoes where he had been standing. The creature must have grabbed him right out of his clothes. Makes perfect scents. I took a quick look out the open door for any sign of the freak, but none were to be found, so I closed the door, completely satisfied with myself. I made many plans as to what I would do as the new most-important-person. I sent a text message to my girlfriend and told her not to worry, and I was in control. She had been asleep, but she awoke to find my encrypted message on her phone. I told her that Zach attempted to rape and kill me, but was gone now for good. She asked if he was dead, but I told her he was taken away. She assumed I meant he was taken by the police. Eventually, after many bitchings about how dangerous drugs are, she got fed up with my nonsense and refused to talk again until I was sober. I told her it was no matter to me if she stopped talking to me, I could get any girl I wanted.

  I watched outside through a crack in the blinds for my misfit crew to arrive. They did arrive, but only after having an involved discussion with myself out-loud or not. I put on my new pair of sunglasses and triumphantly walked outside to their vehicle. I got in the back seat next to Gary. Daniel was driving and Beth sat in the passenger seat. They all looked at me and I said nothing. I barely knew who I was at that point. What do they want from me?

  “What happened to Zach?” Daniel asked. Who? What were these horrible creatures talking about?

  “Fuck if I know.” We headed toward the apartment, and they remained staring at me. I felt very uncomfortable. Is this how you greet your new commander?

  “Seriously what happened to him?” Beth asked.

  “I don't know,” I reiterated, a little annoyed this time. The game then became to prove that I was sober and capable enough to rule this world. Gary began to get very angry at my lack of a reasonable answer.

  “You must have seen what happened to him!”

  “Look, all I know is that the sky took him,” I said, feeling that it was okay to finally reveal everything I knew. It made perfect sense to me. At this statement they all swiveled their heads around to glare at me with such intensity it shrank me down to a puddle of goop. Oh god, what have I done? They will surely kill me and feed my carcass to a hobo.

  “Uh, are you OK?” Beth asked, concerned. Her phone rang and I assured her I was fine. She answered it and announced it was Casey. She told me that he wanted to be my friend again. He and I had a bit of a disagreement over his girlfriend's sexual interest in me. This played right into my campaign of becoming the next leader of the known universe. I felt the only thing jeopardizing my position of extreme prestige was their discovery of the scandal behind Zach's unfortunate disappearance – the sabotage of the previous leader's mind. I knew I had to hide any further information in connection with Zach. But they demanded an explanation of my sky theory.

  “Look I don't know what happened to him!” I said with a slightly agitated tone. This sent Gary off the handle and he started screaming and gestating like a crazed-llama. god, this is all wrong, how are they treating me like a common criminal. Well, fuck this, I don't need them.

  “Alright, now I'm going to give you one more chance to give us a reasonable answer as to what actually happened to Zach or I'm turning this car around! 'The sky took him' is not a reasonable answer,” Daniel said with curious authority. Was he trying to upstage me? I thought for a minute, then realized I had better come clean before these vultures picked the meat right off my bones.

  “I don't know, I told you, the sky just fucking took him,” I said with hopeless sincerity. I had given up on my campaign and I just wanted to wash my hands of the whole Zach thing, but I had nothing to go off of. My world was so viciously fucked. The trip started to center around the frames of my sunglasses, like my world was viewed through tinted windows. The average person cannot possibly imagine what this means. I felt out of my body, I looked around at it, not knowing what I was doing in such an inferior vessel. I wanted out. I needed to escape from my fleshy prison as soon as possible. My mind had wandered well beyond the situation at hand.

  “OK, now see, you could have just told us something understandable like he got mad and left or he's still there and you just wanted to get away. That would have been perfectly acceptable. But 'the sky took him away' is not acceptable at all, and exactly why I'm turning around right now!” Daniel said. He said it in such a way that I could tell he was pondering how to explain the night to the police, when they found Zach's beheaded body stuffed awkwardly in my refrigerator. They would surely figure out I had been with them all night and would naturally follow any leads, which meant explaining the multiple felonies we committed that night. It’s a charge of manslaughter for every 100ug of LSD, or so I've been told. No way to tell the exact punishment unless you've got a lot of free time on your hands – 7-10 years in the state prison.

  They thought I had lost my mind completely, which was true, but they thought I was lost to violence and murder. They stared at me with such hatred that I almost felt bad for killing the bastard. Wait, what the fuck? I didn't kill him! THE GODDAMN SKY TOOK HIM AWAY! How in the fucking hell can I explain that to them any better? Police-looking creature from the sky, pile of clothes, no more Zach. My mission had become clear. Find the portal into the Sky World to retrieve Zach to clear my name, and, with luck, in a timely manner so I could remain the leader of t
he Universe.

  They dropped me off at my house and I angrily slammed the car door without saying a word. Daniel rolled down the window to tell me Zach and I should lay off the robo and drove off. Was he actually judging me for something he did as much as I did? Fuck, he's the one who showed the damn drug to me. Why blame the robo? Fuck 'em. Who needs these selfish bastards anyway? All they are good for is driving me five minutes away from my house and then driving me right back. That was really the only experience with them I could recall, as my long-term memories had almost completely escaped me. Instead of going into my house right away, I figured I'd have a chat with the bush next to my front porch. I sat down next to it.

  “Hello, my lovely little friend, how are you this lovely little night?” It didn't look very friendly though, so I hardly expected a pleasant response.

  “...” said the bush.

  “THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS ANSWER ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU, FUCKIN RUDE BASTARD!!!”

  It had to be at least four a.m. by now. I was blissfully unaware of the concept of time, so I took no heed to internal warnings against yelling loudly at inanimate objects. I honestly had no idea what I was doing, or – more importantly – why? Why was I here at this time? Talking to this hostile bush? It had to mean something. I was sure of it. After more failed attempts at communicating with the damn thing and much careful consideration of the meaning of it all, I decided what must be done: I shit stomped the fucking bush till it was a bloody pile of pine needles and broken limbs. It wasn't a big bush. Easy enough to stomp. I then felt as though I might have abused the power of being the larger creature, but it was asking for a good stomping. Surely, I was justified in my attack on the bush. Much like the Bush must have been justified in attacking the towel-heads.

  I went inside and saw the pile of clothes that had at one time been occupied by Zach's strangely disproportionate body. This sparked the memory of my mission to find the poor bastard. No man deserves such an early demise, even one so twisted as Zach, I reasoned. I began my search by looking through all the drawers of the computer desk, under the stacks of papers and underneath the desk itself. No Zach. I ventured into the kitchen where I checked all the drawers, the cupboards and, of course, the refrigerator. I forgot to check the freezer.

  I searched my entire house in this manner until I ended up in my bedroom. Looking at my bed made me wonder why I was not sleeping, evidence that my concept of time was slowly returning to me. Not in any normal fashion, but just enough to know I shouldn't be up at such an unjesusly hour. I laid down on my bed but soon realized this was completely wrong – I had not completed the mission of finding my freakish friend. I decided there must be some portal into the dimension in which he was being kept prisoner. I looked around for such a portal until my eyes fell upon my pillow. OF COURSE! How could I be so daft? I opened my pillowcase and started to crawl into it. Drat, its closed on the other side. I pushed harder until it became apparent it was not going to give in. I pulled out just in time to spot a plastic bag lying next to me. I grabbed it, noticing it was much too small to attempt an entrance. I pulled it this way and that, watching it morph and change right in front of me until I tore it to shreds. I was in complete awe at how something this miraculous could be happening right in front of me, as the pieces of the plastic bag flew in all directions seemingly forming from the very air. Simply amazing. Medical science could make great leaps in technological advancement if they'd only witness what I am seeing right now.

  I grew tired of the plastic bag and concluded Zach must be outside my house. It all seems so obvious now. Of course! The sky is outside, so must he be! Simple arithmetic, I assure you. On my way out, I grabbed a marker and picked up Zach's car keys from the ground. I decided I would write a note on my arm to whoever found my corpse, in case I met the horrible creature who took my friend straight out of his clothes. The note said, “To the end of the sidewalk,” or, rather, that’s what it was supposed to say, but it was mostly illegible. My mind and body were far beyond decent penmanship. I also wrote notes to myself all over the house reminding me to find Zach if I got sidetracked. I left this on my computer screen:

  where did Zach go?

  maybe he was taken by the skys maybe the police got him.

  poor dope we will never know.

  but then again we all think back to that point.

  i think james that i am crazy.

  Gibberish. I left my house in search of the poor dope. Yet another adventure. Will this night never end? I thought to myself.

  Chapter 7

  The Lake,

  Ice Cream, and

  The Plastic Bag

  I had no clue where I was. Just wandering down to the end of the sidewalk, as the writing on my arm suggested I do. What will I find when I get there? Will my crew come back to get me, realizing what a horrible mistake they made? Probably not, but I felt it was worth considering. I walked and talked to myself, the world I had been born into so many years ago appeared to be brand new and full of exciting opportunity. My life was just beginning and I needed a plan. I needed to establish a plot of land on which I could grow tomatoes and green beans, and a tent in which to father my offspring. My fantasy of being the leader of the world was deteriorating rapidly. I had all but forgotten it, in fact. The hunt for Zach was still on though – the vision of him being swooped away into the sky by unknown forces of divine anti-drug policies, still fresh in my mind. I figured god hated drugs, because it caused early-man to evolve and start the Church of Atheism, but it was getting serious now. We all have to watch our backs from now on, for god himself has taken to flaming chariots to rid the world of druggie scum. I got the feeling I was being watched as a fly buzzed past my left ear, but I quickly shrugged past it.

  Arriving at the end of my street, I climbed up on the brick sign reading “THE ROYAL DORNOCH ESTATES.” I ducked behind it when the occasional car passed. Still talking to myself. What all I had on my mind I thought was worth telling myself, I will never know, for it is ever lost in non-memories and swallowed by the time fog. It was probably useless garbage anyway. I sat there in the mulch, leaning on the sign, and I noticed a small bug scurrying about. Oh shit, I thought, poor guy's probably cold. I decided to build him a home proportional to his size. I positioned a few pieces of mulch to form a tee-pee-style dwelling. I picked him up and threw him inside his new house. He curled up in a ball and slept there, warm at last. I'm sure the little bugger had never been that comfortable before in his pathetic and pointless little life. Where was my tee-pee?

  While I was talking to the resting creature I noticed a cop car driving down the street. FUCK! What the god hell! What would I say to this pig? NO! NO! NO! I ducked behind the sign and ran as fast I could in a crouched position. He drove by without noticing me. My heart can't take any more close calls tonight, lord.

  I decided it was best to shy away from highly trafficked areas. I wandered behind some of the houses in THE ROYAL DORNOCH ESTATES, to where some trees and bushes were growing. I pulled out Zach's keys and dropped them in the dirt. I suppose I should just grow a new Zach, since I can't seem to find the old one, I thought. Wandering around for about an hour or so looking through all the neighboring housing complexes, I thought it best to walk back to my house. I had done what needed to be done, despite the lack of positive results. It was about seven ante meridiem, and the sun was shining bright, yet gentle. The kind of sun only shining on mornings after a good mental-fuck. Good lord, what a sight. Such beauty in every direction. Never before had I beheld nature as anything but oppressive and mundane. I was certain this was a new chapter in my existence. Perhaps I would join a hippie commune and live like the Native Americans, extincting buffaloes and scalping opposing tribes. Ah, nature.

  Back in my house I remembered I hadn't checked the freezer for my missing comrade. I ran up to it and swung it open wildly. No Zach, but there was a box of ice cream. Good god! That's amazing, I thought to myself. I pulled it out and fetched myself a bowl and spoon. I scooped a healthy-s
ized chunk and sat at my table. It was incredible, the ice cream melted in my mouth but when I moved it across my tongue it seemed to re-freeze into its original form. I did this with every bite, trying to figure out the connection between my mouth and the state of the ice cream. Such mystery in every corner of this trip.

  I was munching on my ice cream with much pleasure when my front door opened. I was not alarmed though, I assumed Gary had finally shown up to spread glow sticks all over my basement. I looked up from my bowl of delight, to find Zach standing there wearing only a shirt, it was upside down and his legs were sticking through the armholes. He was covered in mud and grass. I laughed and I realized I had lost it for sure, my hallucinations where becoming quite ridiculous – they weren't even trying anymore. What part of my subconscious would think to show me something like this?

  “Dude, what the fuck?!” my hallucination said to me as I stared.

  “What’s up?”

  “I woke up in a pond,” it said, moving around in such a manner that only meant he definitely wasn't here. His arms and legs stretched out in front of him only dragging his body behind momentarily before it dripped into correct position, like a thick molasses with legs. I had believed him to be a hallucinated figment many times before, but this was just too much.

  “You woke up in a pond?” I said playfully.

  “Yeah! I woke up in a goddamn pond!”

  “How does something like that happen?” I said behind a mouthful of ice cream.

  “I don't know, I just woke up, naked, in a pond!”

  “Hm. I didn't even know there were ponds in the sky.”

  “What?!”

  “Oh shit, that reminds me. Have you seen the plastic bag yet?”

  “Dude, what the hell are you talking about? I WOKE UP IN A POND!”